Why do I feel so angry today?

Like I'm a walking time bomb

Whatever I do , ada sahaja yang tak kena

I feel I might hurt someone physically or verbally 

What is wrong with me?

Is it the medication?

Is it the hormone changes?

It it because I'm getting my period soon?

I know and I can feel something is not right with me now 

Small matters trigger me

I'm worried that I might hurt the students or even said things that I am not supposed to say to parents or to my team

I can feel even my speech is getting too fast

Should I take a break ?

is it because I am hungry?

Is it because of the medication?

Yes, I do able to focus but the concentration is quite short 

What should I do?

Why do this happen?

How can I calm myself?  I worried that I might be aggressive?

Is this the side effect of the medication?

What should I do?

Should I do my 30 mins of exercise today and sleep?

Last week, I did something impulse

This week, I get irrated easily

Next week? Will I go back to normal or I might end up be sad?

Argh...maybe taking this medication is wrong

Everything needs money

Cabut gigi needs money

Clinical Psychology consultation needs money

To get medicine needs money

I don't know why everything is not going smoothly

I know, 

I don't fulfil my religious obligation as serious as I should be 

Maybe, my work is not blessing?

How can I change all this?

When will things go smoothly

This is so hard on me 

I'm not sure how I can survive financially

There is a lot of things that I need to pay and settle

It's really embarrassing to face those people that I owe money too

I really want to settle all this as fast as I can

And like I promise my late parents

I should have NEVER loan money to anyone

That was my one truth mistake

I did not listen to papa

I went against him

I'm sorry papa

I must be firm

I must not borrow money from anyone and I must not loan money to anyone

For my siblings, It should be a sedeqah

They don't have to pay me back

This I what I should to do them 

But for everyone else...no

no no no

no more borrowing money to anyone at all

Everything must have black and white

Everything must do by the paper

Everything must go thru legal channel

For those who owe me money and refuse to pay me back

.......

Make yourself better ...

You can do it!f

Lee Seung Gi - RETURN

Apa itu cinta?

Apa itu nafsu?

Boleh kah bercinta tanpa nafsu?

Boleh kah bernafsu tanpa cinta?

Aku tiada cinta pada engkau

Namun,

Badan mu

Sentuhan mu

Ciuman mu

sentiasa aku inginkan

Bila kita bersentuhan

Hati ku riang

Sentuhan mu buat ku senyum

Ciuman mu buat ku suka

Ku tidak perlu cinta dari mu

Kerna ku tahu engkau tak mampu

berikan cinta kepada ku

Ku hanya mahu

Sentuhan mu

Ciuman mu

Engkau pada aku

Hanya lah nafsu

semata mata.......

Silence

So, I skip work today
Told everyone I had doctor apppointment
In truth, Im just to lazy to do anything

What I did at home

woke up around 8
watched 4 episodes of korean drama
then fall asleep
then woke up around 1
watch another episode of korean drama

at 2ish, took a shower
force myself to go out
had lunch at a cafe

then went to work

yup, i went to work at 3.30 pm
however, did i do any work?


nop, i surf the net
listen to music
instagram
facebook
twitter

all that, until 6 pm

I texted my brother to pick me up
because i want to go home and sleep

yup, that was my day.

One Republic & Timbaland - Apologize

On day, a girl received a text from a guy 

she have not seen for few years

They talk and decided to meet up for fun

She picked him up infront of his house

off they went to KLCC

for lunch and a movie

During lunch, they talked about

the things they missed and 

update each other of their life

then they went to watch a movie

the girl jump into the guy

she kissed him 

and he kissed her back

every few minutes

she and he were kissing in the cinema

both was sexually aroused

both dont want to stop

He seen her home

They made a pack

will meet up again 

to have sex.

and they did 

until now. 

Its been 2 years.

Some days the girl dont want to have it

Some days the girl demand to have it. 

She wants to stop

She wants to be good

She still figuring out how 

can she fight all these urges 

Timbaland- The way I am

I'm struggling with my weight
I'm 20 kg over my ideal weight
In less than 6 months,
the weight shoot up to 20kg

I tried everything
from intermittent fasting
to keto diet
to not eating at all
to eat all
stop sugar
just drink water
aerobic
cardio
yoga

Everything less than 3 days
then i give up
i dont care
then i cry and make myself do again
repeat the cycle
but again I end up just not doing anything

I need to lose weight
I been diagnosed with a type of skin disorder
due to overwhelming stress
my nails turn yellow
my skin got reddish patches

Inside out
I feel really ugly.

All this suck
I need to do something

SAKIT - Zynakal feat YonnyBoii

My name is A.
in 2017, I almost wanted to hit my student
It was a wake up call for me.
I realized I'm alway moody and easily irrated.
I am not my usually calm and cool self.
Scared that I might harm my students or my self,
I googled for psychology centre around town.

Found one that open on Saturday.
Book an appointment for the next available date
Come Saturday, I drive all the way to TTDI
for my appointment.

It was an hour and a half session.
I said whatever been bothering me
at the end of the session
she concluded that
I have Bipolar disorder type 2.

I was shocked, confuse and blank
She suggested that I meet with a psychiatrist
Set an appointment on that day it self.

The next week, off I go to see the psychiatrist
He too agreed with the diagnosing
I suggested I take some medication
to stabilize my mood

So, 2 years of going back and forth between sessions
Medication on and off

Come 2018, I tender my resignation
I wanted to venture to something else
I wanted to grow

I was jobless for 6 months
I tried to commit suicide
I took my duck scarf and tried to strangle my self
It was so painful
I wanted to passed out

No one was at home
Then I saw my parents's pictures on the table
I stop

I cried and cried
I withdraw from the world

Did not shower for few days
Did not eat for few days
Wake up to only fall asleep again

Come December 2018
I force myself to seek help
I got back on medication and therapy


Again, was on off medication and therapy for 2019
I was asked to go ER to get medication asap
2019, I struggled with my weight and new responsibilities in my new venture

Today, I'm still struggling
I trying to take as it come
Not to stress my self
as STRESS is my trigger.

I'm still off meds.

Honestly, I am abit tired
Mentally and emotionally

Some day, I dont want to go to work
Some day, I'm so excited to go to work

Some day, I'm productive
Some day, I'm a lazy bum

Its tiring juggling this mixed of emotion

I need to go back on meds
But , I don't know
I too lazy
I guess......

Why this blog?

I need an outlet to release my thoughts and feelings
I decided to go back to writing.

So here goes...

My first post.